Good lord its been forever since I sat down here and wrote anything, but tonight it just seemed as if it was the only thing I could focus on.
It has been an ordinary day filled with ordinary moments so why have I been so preoccupied? Tough question and one I don’t know if I have an answer for really.
After dinner this evening I didn’t feel so well so I decided to lay down for a bit to see if I could get my tummy to settle. (mental note: hotdogs and I are not friends) I had not intended to fall asleep but I guess my body had other idea’s.
When I woke up an hour and a half later I had the most incredible feeling of loss until I realized that I had been dreaming about my parents. I don’t do that often anymore so on those rare occasions when it does happen I usually do remember the dreams. This time however I didn’t remember the dream as much as the feeling it left me with.
I do remember talking with my Dad in the dream but the actual conversation escapes me. I think he was telling me something about finding a way to something but again I am not sure what. What is very clear however is the smile on my Mom’s face. It was a look of complete peace and it made me feel safe.
Anyway as I said it was the feeling I had more than anything else. I sat down in my chair (one of my mom’s favorites actually) and tried to analyse the feeling. It dawned on me in one big rush…it was “loss” and it hurt.
Having the curse of being to analytical sometimes I thought to myself, Ok so they have both been dead now for 3 years so why now am I feeling this loss? Then it dawned on me…I don’t think I have ever really allowed myself to “mourn” their passing, at not least in the traditional sense. I just sort of “accepted” it and pushed forward. As I thought about that for a minute I realized that seems to be a real pattern in my life. I just “accept” things so I don’t have to “feel” about them. I know that most people who know me are going to laugh at that statement because on the outside it appears that the one thing I NEVER do is just “accept” anything but in truth despite what may appear to be otherwise, I do just end up “accepting” whatever it is. Maybe its a self-preservation tactic, I’m not sure. If it is I don’t think it works to well most of the time…LOL.
This revelation got me thinking on a deeper level about other things and people in my life and I realized that I have walled myself off from most of them and in doing so the things I should have mourned have taken on a different life. It was at this point I heard what my Dad had been saying. He was telling me that I need to let go. If I am angry, be angry. If I am sad and want to cry, be sad and cry. If I want to laugh till my side hurts, then I should laugh till it hurts, but most important I should never feel guilty for any of it.
Guilty??? OMG…that was the crux of it. So many things in my life and so many people in my life make me feel guilty and I just allow it to happen. Why? I’m not sure I want to answer that question but I know until I do, I am not going to be able to move forward.
Tonight isn’t the night to do that however. For right now in this moment I just needed to put this out there and allow my head to work it over.
If I had one wish, it would be to have one more conversation with both my Mom and Dad. There is so much I still want to tell them…