Really?? Part 2
HOLY COW! I got so many replies to my post “Really” that I decided to continue with part two on cheating.
Now that you know where I stand on cheating in general let me delve a bit further and tell you that I believe completely that there are very different reasons for why men and women cheat in the first place.
Men, I think in part are programmed to cheat. The experts tell us there is a basic human need to ensure the continuation of the line and all that jazz, but far beyond that I believe that men cheat to convince themselves they are still in control of their lives. That they have strength and can compete with those they see as competitors. They come to it from the stand point that they are concurring something they want and don’t think they have. Yes, sometimes it leads to a much deeper involvement but I believe that in most cases it never reaches a truly emotional point for them.
Women on the other had cheat because it is mostly emotional. They are trying to validate their own worth in someone elses eyes and find a connection that assures them they are as desirable as those they believe are better than them. They come to it from the stand point of trying to fix the unhappiness they feel by seeking out someone who will tell them what they want and need to hear. In most cases I believe it starts with a deep involvement and gradually finds its way back to reality.
We have all heard men say…”she doesn’t understand me”, “she doesn’t give me what I need” or my personal favorite, “she doesn’t like sex” as excuses for why they cheat, but let’s be honest here shall we. These are excuses that in a man’s mind make cheating acceptable. After all who doesn’t want to be understood by someone they claim to love, who doesn’t want their spouse to meet their needs and what man doesn’t want to feel as if he isn’t a superstar in bed? But the reality I think is that he is just feeling left out of the hunt.
Women on the other hand use things like “he doesn’t make me feel pretty”, “he doesn’t tell me he loves me”, “he doesn’t appreciate me” as the excuses they use to justify cheating. And again who doesn’t want to feel pretty, loved or appreciated by the man in their life, but the reality I think is that she has taken a look in the mirror and convinced herself she isn’t as good as the next woman any longer.
The thing they have in common is a total break down of communication. That is the number one factor in why both cheat. They have stopped talking and listening to each other and don’t realize that without both all those excuses then become reality.
So….whether you are boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife….
To the men reading here let me tell you what she isn’t saying….it’s the little things that matter most! It’s you noticing her not the broad on TV or walking down the street. It’s you giving her a kiss or hug in the middle of the day for no reason and without the expectation that it’s foreplay. It’s you picking up the dish towel and drying the dishes she is washing. It’s you taking out the garbage without her having to ask. It’s you paying attention to her when she talks to you. It’s you letting her cry without making her feel guilty. It’s you tucking a “love note” under her pillow before you head to work. It’s you taking a genuine interest in the things she likes. It’s you being a part of her life because you want to not because you expect something in return. It’s just you! You need to remember the things that you found attractive about her when you first met her and I am not talking about her boobs or her ass. I am talking about the person she was. That person is still there even if her boobs are on her knees and her ass is as big as Texas. You need to remember that you are not the young buck you were but like her have grown into a more defined person because of her. You need to be her friend and accept her warts and all…and only then will the love follow. She really doesn’t care about the money you make, the status you have or the size of your penis, if she did then ask yourself why she chose you to start with and not Bill Gates or John Holmes. Remember that she could have had anyone she wanted but she chose YOU. Be worthy of her choice!
To the women reading here let me tell you what he isn’t saying….it’s the little things that matter most? It’s you letting him feel as if he is taking care of you. It’s you giving him time to be himself. It’s you paying attention when he talks to you. Its you tucking a love note in his pocket before he goes to work. It’s you appreciating the little things he does and not criticizing him for not doing it your way. It’s you for accepting a complement. It’s you for telling him I love you. It’s you for being proud to be seen with him. It’s you for taking a genuine interest in the things he likes. It’s you for being a part of his life because you want to and not because you expect something in return. It’s just you! You need to remember that the man you were attracted to is still in there even if his hair is thinning and his belly is expanding. You need to remember that he just like you needs to feel accepted warts and all…and only then will the love follow. You need to remember your not the highschool hottie you once were but a more refined person because of him! He really doesn’t care about how big you boobs or ass are, or how well you clean the house, if he did then ask yourself why he chose you to start with and not a Hooters Girl or Molly Maid. Remember he could have had anyone he wanted but he chose YOU. Be worthy of his choice!
Life is not an easy road and we all are insecure at times, but it is so much better when you have a friend by your side who sees you as you are and accepts you because you see them as they are and accept them.
Cheating, while it may be an ego boost or momentary thrill is just a band-aid over covering a cavern. It’s not a solution and never will be. If you are truly unhappy in the life you picked or with the person you choose then do the right thing and move on. The pain you are going to feel is nothing compared to the pain you will cause yourself if you aren’t honest.
Oh and before you go….one final thought….It’s NEVER about Sex! Sex is what you make it and anyone who expects it to be thrilling every time is NEVER going to enjoy what it really is regardless of who their partner is. So just tuck that excuse in your back pocket and sit on it!
LIFE LESSON: The grass will never be as green on the other side as if you spend a moment tending your own lawn with love and care.
Copyright 2010 T. Allen