Todays pondering is related to a topic many of us have faced in our lives and one that always brings about strong opinions as it is very personal, but being the person I am, I apparently don’t think the same as normal people when it comes to issues such as this.
What am I talking about? Well…CHEATING to be exact. I have to be truthful here and tell you I do not understand the mentality most people have when it comes to this situation so I am going to try to explain my thinking and hopefully I will get a few of you to either respond or at the very least “think” about your own views in a truthful manner.
So what is “cheating”? For most I think it is the act of finding “affection” outside of your committed relationship. Affection meaning “physical contact” with another person, but kissing, holding hands, cuddling, spending time together, sharing secrets are all lumped into that “affection” as well. It is all the things one would expect to do with their “love” interest be it boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife.
This is the first issue I think differently on. For me cheating is very specific. It is the act of engaging in “sexual contact” with someone outside of your committed relationship. I just don’t see kissing, holding hands, spending time, etc as “cheating” in the classical terms. Yes, those are things you should be doing with your partner but I believe that we all have a need to have others in our lives on an “emotional” level beyond our partners.
Ok, so now that I have established “cheating” in my terms that brings me to the question of how do you deal with a cheater and I think this is where I have the most different view of things. Gut reaction for most couples is to say…”kick um to the curb”, “file for a divorce”, “dump the bastard or bitch”, but I a think that is such an illogical idea that I just can’t wrap my brain around it. Ask yourself why do people cheat in the first place? There are may answers to that one such as, freedom, emotional need, revenge, opportunity, situation, etc. The point is there is always a basic reason behind it. Now ask yourself isn’t “kicking them to the curb” or “filing for a divorce” just playing into what they REALLY want and at who’s cost? Not their’s.
To me it seems a much better choice to do exactly what they don’t want you to do and use the opportunity to exact a revenge that will actually teach them a lesson. Look um in the eye and say… “if that is what you want then go for it, but know that it will never cause me to set you free”. There is far more for you to gain by standing your ground and just changing the rules of the game. Think of it this way…when they cheat they are giving up their power in the relationship to you, and the wise person would take that and use it.
Sadly however most women just can’t see that far ahead in this kind of situation because they can’t get past the idea that it was something they did or something they lack that caused him to cheat in the first place, and truthfully it is neither! I single out women here only because men deal with this from a different perspective. They don’t tend to look at themselves as the reasons first, but instead place the blame on her and the one she cheated with. This in my opinion is a much healthier response and one more women need to adopt.
I am not saying that it will be easy to do, because it isn’t but in the long run if you are looking to come out of it stronger and wiser then you need to put the “emotions” away and deal with it from a logical point of view.
The reality of life is that “cheating” happens but it’s not the cheating that should be our focus but the way in which we handle it. And yes…I do believe that you can find your way back to a healthy loving relationship, but that too is going to take work, committment and truthfulness, three qualities that so many people these days are lacking and that every successful relationship must have.
I told my husband years ago…if you can get her to spread her legs go for it, but understand that it will NEVER get you a divorce, it will only get you a lifetime of wishing for one, and we have been married for 26 years.
LIFE LESSONS: Sometimes you have to listen to your head and not your heart to find the right solution no matter how hard it may seem.
Copyright 2010 T. Allen