Now that I have jumped that hurdle in life known as the “50th” birthday I feel a bit more comfortable talking about my “Quasimodo” syndrome in the hopes that I am not the only woman out there that is suffering from this condition.
So what the hell is it? Pretty easy to explain really…its that moment in the morning when you find your way to the bathroom after having spent an entire night tossing and turning, you flip on the harsh light and reluctantly look up to see your reflection in the mirror only to find that the person looking back is no one you recognize. Some how in the middle of the night you have transformed into something you are positive will send people screaming into the streets yelling that Quasimodo lives!
Your hair is going in 30 directions at once and looks as if mice have set up a condo complex, there are raccoon rings around your eyes so large and dark that it looks as if you have sunglasses on, all the tiny lines have become lunar craters and for some reason your neck has sagged on one side dragging one ear lower than the other.
As you stand there taking in this hideous reflection your brain is screaming at you to turn off the lights, but you just can’t tear your eyes away. The sexy little number you had on the night before, now looks like someone tried to stuff a water balloon into a rubber glove as with each movement something starts to giggle uncontrollably. Your realize that one boob has migrated under your arm where it is caught up in the strap and the other is looking a bit low. You make the mistake of turning around to see if the view is any better from the other side and you notice that your panties have shifted and given you a wonderful third ass cheek, as if two wasn’t enough. Yes, Quasimodo does live you think to yourself as you flip off the light in dispar.
Now this is not just an “old age” syndrome because I remember those days in my 20’s when the person looking back looked just as bad. True, the reasons were different, like mascara left on, and wild sex hair but the end result was the same. The difference then was that I knew that in 20 minutes and with the help of some great makeup I could look human again. These days there isn’t enough time or makeup to correct the situation so I usually just pull on some old clothes, pull the hair back out of my face and accept the fact that I will be staying in the house today.
That’s why those days like today when I flip on that light and see that I don’t look to bad are such good days for me. Yes, there are a few lines, and the hair is wild but today it actually looks like “wild sex hair”. My boobs are still where they belong and my ears are even. My ass is contained and my sexy little number has held up well. Apparently Quasimodo is busy in the bell tower today.
As I run my fingers through my hair, brush my teeth, and get ready for the day, I can’t help but smile a bit. When you get to be this age life hands you some pretty shocking realities so its nice when you don’t have to start the day ringing a bell.
LIFE LESSON: Be thankful for the small things in life.
Copyright 2010 T. Allen