So here we are….the weather is getting hot, the lawn is drying out, the neighbors kids are running loose and the days are getting longer…clear indications that it is once again BATHING SUIT time of year!

  Now if you’re in your youth with that firm, flexible body that just is screaming out for a new bikini then this is not the time of year you fear more than waking up at 3 am with a bladder ready to burst only to find that the worlds biggest spider has taken up residence in front of the potty!

  For me however this is the time of year when I spend a few weeks just convincing myself that the 20-year-old, faded bathing suit I have hidden away in the bottom drawer is due for a replacement and with the determination of a warrior I decide to head out in search of the perfect bathing suit.

   Now this like I said is a scary adventure when your 5′ 5″, almost 50 and parts of you that used to be in the right place are now living in the SOUTH of France! 

   So, it starts with taking an honest assessment of the situation before heading out. As I stand in front of the bathroom mirror in my oh so attractive granny panties and sports bra, assessing the damage it occurs to me that maybe this year will be different. I have after all shed some major poundage since last years unsuccessful search. Of course this is how it always starts…. As I turn this way and that I make a mental note of all the area’s I think I need to cover so as not to send to many screaming off the white sands yelling “my eyes….my eyes”.

    I start at the top and decide that the “head” is ok but the neck has a few rings that are reminiscent of Saturn…check, need something low-cut to focus the eyes downward. The shoulders are good, score one for being one place fat doesn’t know exists. The upper arms are not looking to good however, they kinda look like a half inflated whoopee cushions…and OMG…if I flap them they sound like that too! ok so I need something that isn’t going to cause un-needed arm flapping while trying to keep the straps up…..Moving along to the chest region…hum, this is going to be a problem for sure. While they are a nice size they do tend to want to hang out with the belly button when not tightly constrained. But…to my advantage they are attention getters when located in the proper spot so….check…need to find one with titanium inserts to keep the girls where they belong! Ok, so I am half way to the bottom and so far this may be do-able.

   Sigh….I spoke to soon….the belly region is a BIG concern. 4 kids, years of cleaning their plates….there are starving kids in Africa you know so don’t judge me! gaining and losing the poundage and convincing myself that sit-ups are the devils way of getting your soul have left me with a “spare tire” for a “Military 5 ton personal carrier”. This is simply not something you can “hide” when your wrapped in spandex! Hum…so maybe something with a ruffle or wrap might help, important word here MIGHT.

   Turning around I assess the “junk in the trunk”. Oh good grief….this is more than just “junk” I think someone took the entire football teams tackle pads, wrapped them in bubble wrap and stuck them in this trunk! ok so we defiantly need something with a wrap now. The legs are not to bad thank goodness. Yes they are a bit top-heavy mental note, sand trapped here will cause chaffing but I think I can do a high cut leg to make them look a bit longer and leaner. Finally, the feet…WOOT  the one place that doesn’t show my age or wear and tear and the sexy neon pink toe nails ROCK! 

   Whew…that wasn’t to bad. Now I have my shopping list and I am ready to go. I need something with a low-cut front, titanium inserts, well placed straps, a ruffle, a wrap and high cut legs made of reinforced spandex just in case and some luck. Yup, I think this year just might work out ok.

   I head out to the local stores in search of my bathing suit and quickly discover that the fashion trends this year are not going to be much help. It seems that “animal prints”, “bold Hawaiian flowers”, “stripes and polka dots” are the rage, as is OMG…two peices!  Yeah…sorry but if I try to put  this body in something with a zebra stripe or a leopard print they will be calling the Zoo to see if something escaped! cross those out….So…can’t see the flower prints working either….I would end up looking like an entire meadow in motion! not a pretty sight unless you’re a gardener and are you kidding me…stripes and polka dots? In the summer heat I can just see people running to find shade under my ass which has been mistaken for a beach umbrella! I need a solid color please!

   As I search the racks I finally find a few that I think might work. I even got brave and decided to try one of these new “two piece” styles with the long top and bottoms that look more like shorts.

   The first one I try on is a nice shade of blue….should bring out the color of my eyes…has sturdy straps…check…good boob support…check…not to low-cut but enough to hint at the goodies inside….check….a ruffle down the middle…check…and it has high cut legs…ok…most of the requirements are met. I tug and pull till I have it on and before turning around I think to myself “I may have gotten lucky with my first try”….wait….sigh…


    There looking back at me is what appears that girl from Willy Wonka who just had to try the gum! I look like a giant blueberry laying on its side! go look they even have a ruffle too! Nope…this isn’t the one!

   The second one I try on is a nice shade of brown with a little wrap skirt. With some pulling and tugging I get it on only to find that I now resemble something left behind on the beach when the circus elephants have been on parade!

   The third one is this two piece get up and I am thinking that maybe being black might work in my favor. I pull on the top and tuck the girls in to place, at least from my view they look pretty good…I step into the bottoms and yank them up, ok so far so good….they seem to be holding things in the right places….so I take a look. Well, this one may just work. The top is loose enough that the “spare” looks more like a “donut” now and the “girls” are sitting pretty. The arms while still the same aren’t so much of an attention getter…no flapping required as this one ties around the neck  and the “Saturn rings” have faded. The bottoms are pretty good too! The leg is a bit longer so I don’t have a “muffin top” at my hip and the belly area seems to be well contained, please god let the “trunk” look ok to because this may be a winner. WOW the junk in the truck appears to have been put in storage! God bless the designer! This is the one!

   As I heave a sigh of relief over having found a new bathing suit finally I make the mistake of sitting down on the little bench in the dressing room. KA-POW! In the blink of an eye I KNOW why two pieces should NEVER be sold to people like me! The “girls” EXPLODED up and out the sides, the “spare tire” had a blow out from the middle as the top of this suit went shooting upward in a jelly roll fashion, the waist band of the bottoms headed south pushing all that “junk” upward. The legs of the bottoms having no place to go but up found refuge in my ass giving me a mondo wedgie and allowed my thighs to ooze out the bottom looking like I had two inner tubes strapped on!

  When all the “giggle parts” finally stopped moving I sat there in sadness realizing that this was going to be another year when the “bathing suit designers” had forgotten me. I peeled myself out of this mess, got dressed and headed home.

   I walked into my closet, opened the bottom drawer and pulled out my long-lost friend. So it’s a bit faded and a bit stretched out after 20 years but as I pulled it on it fit all the parts and pieces. Ok so I need to safety-pin it here and there now, and sometimes the straps tend to slide a bit but at least I don’t have to worry about things exploding out-of-place. After all whats more important…being fashionable on the beach or not having to worry about some little kids trying to roll me back into the surf?

   I think I will stick with what I have and hope that next year may be better.


Posted on June 17, 2010, in HUMOR FOR THE COMMON SOUL and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I like your honest writing style keep it up.

    • Thanks…honesty has always been both a blessing and a curse in my life but I figure what the hell…I will just put it out there and see what happens. I am glad you are enjoying it because THAT is all that is important to me. And hey if you can’t be honest about yourself and still laugh then why bother?

  2. Hey Mom… maybe you should try Penneys! I found a bunch there that LOOK GREAT! Oh… and try a Halter top! They make them now so that if you have a little “extra” it holds everything in place and the halter around the neck is perfect for keeping the girls where they are supposed to be, and eliminating any strap slip mishaps!

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