When I was in my 20’s and all the body parts were still in the right places I had a chance to visit a “clothing optional” beach in Ventura, California with a girlfriend of mine. I admit I was a bit leary of this idea but being an adventurous soul, I decided to give it a try.

It was a beautiful beach, with that soft kind of “sugar” sand you used to find way back when. It was secluded by a long trail you had to walk just to get there. Lots of trees and plants along the way kept curious eyes from prying. We had packed a light lunch, our blanket and towels along with a cooler full of Ice Tea and headed out. She had been a few times before so that made me a little more comfortable, but as we parked the car, I will admit my tummy was full of large angry Vulture’s! As we approached the walkway a guard asked for ID to prove we were 18. Good, at least I didn’t have to worry about scaring kids too.

When we reached the beach itself we found a pretty spot and set up our stuff. I was trying hard not to look around too much in fear of what I might see, so I just kept focused on the task of securing the blanket and tried to keep my breathing normal. I didn’t want anyone to pass by and hear me panting in fear and then think…my god is that woman some kind of deranged pervert? Anyway….we got things set and my girlfriend asked me if I was going to go nekkid or keep my bathing suit on? There it was….the moment of truth!….I guess I must have had that “deer in the headlights look” on my face because she just started laughing at me. It didn’t take her but a second to strip down to her birthday suit, settle down on the blanket and relax. Well sure, she could relax. She had one of those “nekkid beach bodies”! Firm in the right places and curved in the rest and golden tan all over. Compared to her I was going to look like a “rare pork loin” all white and jiggly. Sigh….after pulling off my t-shirt and shorts  my nerves got the best of me and I decided that was going to be all I took off. I stretched out on the blanket, turned up the radio and tried to relax as well.

About an hour in I had convinced myself that maybe I could lose my bathing suit top without drawing too much attention. I mean after all there were nekkid people all around, playing volley ball, swimming and just having fun, so really what would one more pair of nekkid boobs bring to the party? I sat up, pulled the strings and POP…the puppies were free. I dug two holes to put them in under the blanket and layed on my tummy. Yes they were out there but I still didn’t want them “out there” if you know what I mean?

Clearly my girlfriend was having more fun watching me at this point than anything else. Nice to know my lack of confidence was amusing to her. o.O Anyway, it didn’t take long before I was comfortable enough to turn over. the fact that my back was taking on that “lobster look” helped a great deal in making this decision.  After turning over I sat up and took a real look around. OMG…. the things I saw! People from 18 to 80 were everywhere and in all phases of NEKKID and not one person was looking at me!

We decided to take a dip in the water and it was like heaven! We splashed around a bit and she asked if I was going to just “do it”? Oh what the hell, I thought to myself. If granny over there can do it…so can I….tug tug…and the ass was free! This was like nothing I had ever felt. No sand being trapped in places I didn’t want it! But wait!!! How was I going to get back to my blanket? Ok, so maybe I could just stay in the water till most everyone had left to go home? Not a smart choice. An hour later I was now looking like that pork roast but it had been wrapped in prunes! Red, wrinkled and thirsty, I finally gave up and was going to dash back to the blanket until I realized that “running” was going to set my jiggly parts to moving in way I didn’t want them to move, so I made the trek back at a slow and easy pace.

We settled back down, broke out lunch and it didn’t take long to forget I was nekkid. We started people watching and laughing about some of the sight’s we saw. Grandma and Grandpa were out taking a stroll at the water’s edge and clearly they were frequent visitors here as neither had a tan line you could see. of course you couldn’t see much since the wrinkles and gravity had provided coverage of vital areas. There was a group of young guys and girls playing volleyball and I admit I found it funny to watch. Nekkid girls jumping is the stuff guys dream of, but when its nekkid guys jumping, well trust me it just looks like they are trying to shake loose some kind of weird sea creature that has grabbed on. and yes you can tell who was just in the water and who wasn’t! The more I looked the more I forgot that I too was nekkid!

We stretched out and I finally relaxed enough to enjoy the sun. I was laying on my back listening to the waves and the music when I heard a voice say…”hi there”. I opened my eyes…BIG MISTAKE….and was greeted with a view that was burned into my memory forever. There was a guy standing there and with the sun at his back all I could see clearly was “Johnson” and his two buddies! The first thought in my brain was…OMG did that thing just talk to me? and what the hell do I say back?

I turned my head and reached out to tap my girlfriend only to find she wasn’t even there. Where the hell was she??….it said again….”hi there, do you want to join our game?”. My head snapped back and still speechless I just stared! I guess the look on my face must have been amusing because I heard laughter from above and “Johnson” started dancing. OK…I had to do something! So I sat up slowly and turned around to find this guy just looking at me. Clearly he was waiting for a reply to his question but couldn’t make words come out of my mouth. This guy was nekkid! What do you say to a nekkid man? Especially when the first thing your introduced to is……well you get the picture. These are usually not the parts your introduced to first.

I tried to remain cool, and finally managed to squeak out a “no thanks”, which got the reply….”first time here huh”? Great…so I asked “how could you tell”? That got me a grin and the reply….”well since there are parts of you starting to look like an overcooked crab, and the fact that you’re sitting here in a fetal position, which by the way doesn’t help hide those, yeah it pretty easy to see its your first time”. I just looked at him and said…”thanks”. “Don’t worry it gets easier, so if you change you mind just come on over and play”. With that “Johnson and his buddies waved good-bye and danced their way back to the volley ball game.

Shortly after that my girlfriend returned and we packed it up for the day, got dressed  and headed home. All the way back I kept thinking to myself that I couldn’t believe I had just spent the day nekkid, in public, with a bunch of people I didn’t know, and god my ass hurt!

The next day I realized that “nekkid” and sun don’t mix. I was burned in places you should NEVER be burned! It took a few days just to be able to sit down, and the husband never said a word about it. Maybe it’s because we were still newlyweds and he enjoyed the fact that I was now “nekkid” most of the time, or maybe he just thought it was better not to ask. Either way I was glad we didn’t have that conversation, I really didn’t want to tell him about “Johnson”!

In the end, I healed, ended up with a pretty good tan, and promised myself to NEVER do that again. Tan lines are ok with me! Now that I am looking at 50, have had 4 kids and have boobs that warm my belly button and an ass that looks like it is trying to book passage for the south pole,  well the idea of being “nekkid” in public is an amusing one. If I was positive I would not send people screaming from the beach in horror, I might just try it again…..

Failure to comply will result in legal action.

Posted on June 3, 2010, in HUMOR FOR THE COMMON SOUL and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Mindless Rambler

    OMG! How brave were you?! I couldn’t do it. Well done! xx

  2. haha! love the post!

    The first thought in my brain was…OMG did that thing just talk to me? and what the hell do I say back? – awesome!

    I’m still pretty young and no kids, but I don’t think I could do it. T idea of getting burned in “certain” areas does not sound fun to me.

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