THE WORLD IS FLAT!


   The world is flat! Ok well maybe just my world is flat.

   As a kid I was super limber. I could walk on just my toes, do the splits, cartwheels and back flips. I was blessed with double jointed hips that let me put my feet behind my head and bend in ways the human body isn’t supposed to bend, so how was I supposed to know that years of doing all those things would eventually mean that when I got to this age, that there would be days when I was lucky to just stand up.

    I am just not the kind of person that deals well with not being able to move. When my eyes pop open in the morning my feet are already on the floor and propelling me in the direction of the bathroom…yeah thats another gift of old age, so when I can’t manage to even roll over to find the floor I know it’s not going to be a good day!

    For the last  3 days I have been flat on my back thanks to a body that decided that it was going on vacation whether I liked it or not. I woke up to find that it felt as if some pigmy tribe was roasting my right leg on a spit in preparation for a holy ceremony of some sort. Moving it even slightly brought about the feeling of being stabbed by spears while behind my eyes I was watching the fireworks burst in the night sky. I swear I could hear them chanting to the sound of the drums… Not being the kind to give in easy, I pushed and pulled my way to the edge of the bed and flung my boobs in the direction I wanted to go… see having double “omg look at those are they even real” boobs can come in handy….I was hoping the momentum would at least put me in an upright position. Nope…I just ended up hunched over looking more like Quasimodo hunting for a bell on the floor than anything that resembled human.

    I stayed there for a moment as my foggy brain tried to process what I was asking the body to do and all it kept telling me was…FAILURE…FAILURE, but I was not going to be defeated. Holding on to furniture I made my way around the room heading to toward the bathroom. A need that was the driving force that kept me going at this point. My brain started screaming  I’m given her all she’s got Captain!…but I could feel the shield weakening with every step. Every fiber in me was determined to make it before the dam broke.

   Success!! Mission completed and now all I had to do was make it back to the bed. By this time the pain had reached the point where it doesn’t even feel like pain anymore so as I flopped down on the bed I missed out on that sense of relief one would feel after having made it. Instead I just layed there like a pile of dirty laundry with arms and legs in odd positions just thankful I didn’t have to move anymore. I knew then that this was going to be where I was for the next couple of days at least so I just closed my eyes.

   Now for any of you that don’t like being confined to bed you will understand just what torture it can be when you find you have no other choice. There is something about being at the mercy of your own body and those around you that can make your head think very unkind thoughts. I am not one to ask for help so asking for something as simple as a cup of coffee or a piece of toast feels more like begging for a stay of execution at times. I found myself wishing the dogs had thumbs so I could just tell them to go get whatever I needed, but the best they could offer was a cold wet nose in my face each time I closed my eyes, which I will admit was far better than opening my eyes to find the other end of them parked on the pillow next to me.

   As I layed there I began to contemplate my world from this “flat view”. I entertained myself by finding animal shapes in the plaster of the ceiling or watching the shadows on the walls. I tried watching TV but just found it annoying. It wasn’t until I felt my stomach growl the first time that I realized I hadn’t eaten. Out my bedroom door I could see the kitchen like some mirage in the desert sand just taunting me with all its tasty fare. My brian began taking inventory of what I could sink my teeth into when a rogue thought made its way to the surface. “The only one home with you is the one that can’t cook”. Well great….maybe the food fairy will show up or your going to be eating the pillowcases. So I opted for silence about the hunger issue and settled for some nuts in a bag and a bowl of chips. Hey my squirrel can live on that stuff so I can too. 

  Three days later and I made it through to the other side. While I am not 100% yet, I am at least mostly upright again and somewhat mobile. My “flat world” has dimension again and the pygmy tribe has returned to their village leaving my leg behind but I think I may have to consider putting together a survival basket and stashing it under the nightstand just in case. You see the body now has a new issue to deal with….as it turns out eating nothing but nuts and chips while flat on your back tends to…how shall I put this….gum things up? Sigh….This “chocolate” isn’t working…I think I just need more coffee!

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Posted on May 25, 2010, in HUMOR FOR THE COMMON SOUL and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. LMAO ….. and I can only laugh like that becauses, Been there and done that………
    The cruelest thing about getting “OLD” is the mind stays young as the body grows old, causeing conflict at every turn…..All I can say is, Put that survival kit in the night stand, and buy a box of prunes. They really help the plumbing clear !!!!!!!!!!!

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