Separation Angst is a real condition. Often felt by someone who is just not ready to let go. That would be me at the moment.
So what am I trying to hold on to you might ask. Well the simple answer would be, everything…lol…because the honest answer is far more complicated.
Over the last few years I have felt like I was caught up in a tornado of sorts where everything I love, hold dear or treasure has been sweep up, and is being tossed around in a vicious circle with bits and pieces being flung to the farthest reaches where I can never retrieve them. No matter what I try to do…it just all is slipping through my fingers.
Now I find myself at a point where what little I do have left has been doused in grease and been set running like the greased pig at a State fair with me chasing it madly trying my best to get a grip on it only to have it squeal and dash away again.
Is this just madness on my part? Should I just sit down in the dirt and say “I QUIT”! or do I strap cleats to my feet and dig in? Again the simple answer would be to just say I quit, but then the separation angst sets in and I just can’t do it.
IF it were just me then maybe I would quit, but the choices I am having to make are not about just me. They are going to affect everyone I love at this point. I have tried to reason this out in my own head and I realized that if I KNEW that they were taken care of and would have someone in their lives that they could count on it might not be so hard, but as it is…if I make the rational choice then they are left in a place where they have NO ONE but themselves and the mother in me just can’t do that. It would be easy if they were married or engaged (and that’s not saying I want them to be either at this point, I don’t!) because then they would have family like the others but, to even think about just turning loose and going without them makes it feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest!
Maybe I am just cursed? It’s not about age or ability it’s about being raised to believe down to my soul that you don’t let them go until you KNOW they will be safe and I can’t say that right now. My worst fear is loosing one of them and this feels as if I am risking too much for me to deal with so I would rather deal with the separation angst, than that possible option. Yes, you may think that is being irrational but in this day and age this world is not a kind place anymore, I can’t dismiss that possibility unless I can see with my own eyes they are ok.
So around and around I go…chasing the right choices, trying to hold on to what is left, ensure that everyone is ok and still keep my feet on solid ground. I think that is an impossible task but when push comes to shove…unless they begin to understand that without them right now its the ONLY choice I really can make. They are what I have left and I CAN’T just walk away even if it means I am going to be tossed to the far reaches along with the bits and pieces of my life.