Ok, I have been out of the “dating” field now for years, but just recently I have had a rash of friends who were once considered to be “happily married” finding themselves tossed out into this mad cap world of “dating” trying to mend broken hearts. These are men and women alike, now in their mid-years, with little or no experience and even less “memory” of the dating world, looking to find that “special” someone and instead ending up having to kiss a lot of frogs!

   I wish I could offer them some sage advise but I fear that if I found myself in this same position I too would have a terrible case of warts as the pool seems to be infested these days with some pretty slimy toads. So instead I am going to rely on some old advise, sage wisdom, and luck to try to dissect this quandary without needing a tanker truck of Compound-W in the end.

   Where does one go these days to find Mr. or Miss “right”? In my dating years we found them in the local bar, grocery store and church, or through nosey friends who had a penchant for “blind-dating” and “setting you up”. It required actually meeting people face to face and taking the risk of being “shot down” so many times you bought yourself a parachute. You had to have “people skills” and you had to be honest…most of the time anyway, because what they saw is what they were going to get. Sure it added pressure to an already tough situation but it also gave you the advantage of “sizing them up” before you got to involved. 

   For both men and women it meant you had to “present” your best publically. Dressing nicely, speaking well, having the ability to discuss topics beyond the weather and possessing “manners” if you hope to catch the eye of someone you found attractive. You actually had to “try”. 

   Not so these days. With the advancement of technology we now can sit at home in our rattiest clothing, with our hair undone, not having showered for days, or brushed out teeth while munching on a greasy ribs and present ourselves as “living gods and goddesses” to the opposite sex in our hunt for a mate. We are just required to “log in” post a picture that is 20 years old and fill out a form where we talk about the Pulitzer prize we almost won, the rock album we almost cut, the million dollar home we almost bought and 46 dd’s or the 9 1/2 inches we swear are real.  We have had to become master of marketing ourselves in a global market where everyone is a perfect 10 when in reality most of us are barely pushing 4 and 1/2.

   I admit there may be some advantages to this new “dating” market, like…..hold on I am sure I can think of something…..hum……time management maybe? We don’t have to actually plan on going out anymore to have a good time and meet people. We can now do that at 3 am when there is nothing left to watch on TV. Oh….and we can “chat” with dozens at a time so I guess that allows us to narrow the field a bit in a hurry.

   So…since I wasn’t sure what this “cyber-dating” thing really was like, I as a married woman decided to post to a few of the “dating” sites to check it out. I had to make some hasty decisions right away. Do I admit I am married or do I tell them I am “separated”, “single” or “divorced”? Why not run the gambit and try them all. Surely being married isn’t going to draw any interest right? WRONG! It seems there is a rather large market for “married” people in the dating world. Perhaps it goes back to the old days when being “married” meant you didn’t have to worry about commitment demands? I was amazed at the responses I got too. From young men (20 years my junior) to old men (20 years my senior) I seemed to be “just what they have always been looking for”. I had to ask myself how that is possible? Men 27 don’t have the same interests as men 77 or do they and we as women just never paid attention before. That is a scary thought! The “young ones” wanted me to show them the world, and the “old ones” wanted me to assure them the world still existed, but all of them ended the conversation with the endearing phrase…..”ribbit, ribbit”.  

  So, I tried being “separated, waiting on my divorce and soon to be single”. To my surprise many of the same “frogs” turned up. They all had the same story too. Rich, handsome, worldly, tired of the “dating scene”….(they never explained if that was “real life” or “cyber dating”) and looking for miss right, and they were sure I was her. A few of them invited me to “video chat” and I admit I was a bit leary at that proposal so I explained I didn’t have a “video cam” thinking that would deter them, but no…it seems they were more than willing to just provide a link where I could “see them”. 

   Guy number one was a 37-year-old newly divorced man who described himself as handsome, intelligent and positive. He was sure I was “miss right”. After a few weeks of chatting I admit I was a bit curious so I took the chance and clicked that link. I was amazed at what I saw but he went on to tell me that his ex-wife had taken everything when she left him, but that he was in the process of buying a new million dollar home…but could I maybe lend him a few bucks in the mean time? Well now that would explain the obvious double wide trailer wouldn’t it?……..(NOTE this is not the actual guy pictured)


   Gentleman number 2, presented himself as a retired military officer, 68 years old, who had lost his wife a few years ago. We had several conversations about a wide variety of things and he seemed well spoken (err typed) so when he sent me the link to his video cam, I wasn’t exactly as leary as before but when I click on that link, I about fell out of my chair. The view I had, was nothing but a crotch shot with the question….”so do you like what you see”? After I controlled my laughter, (this was one of those…”it’s really 9 1/2 inches, but its cold in the house” situations) I couldn’t help but be honest and reply….”are you having a party and serving cocktail weenies”? Poof….he sign off and hopped back to the pond.

   That encounter ended my adventure into the “cyber-dating” arena. I had spent a month talking, listening and learning that technology isn’t necessarily the better road to go when looking for a mate. There is a lot to be said for the old-fashioned methods here, where you get to look them in the eye, listen to what they say, study their body language and have the option of saying “check please”. Ok, I know what your thinking here….you can always just log off right? Wrong…logging off doesn’t really do anything more than close the window. If you have spent any time “chatting” with the toad chances are you have exchanged e-mail addresses and unless you want to go to all the trouble of changing that address dozens of times, your “toad” can blow up you’re in box and sadly many do.

   One of the biggest disadvantages to this “cyber-dating” thing is that they can always find you again. Google someone and chances are unless they have turned their computer into a flower box and put it in the garden, you are findable! At least when you meet them in real life, when you walk away chances are they are only going to know whatever you told them and finding you may be possible but most aren’t going to exert that kind of energy when they can just go home, log on, and hop into the pond of “prince’s” all going….ribbit, ribbit, ribbit!

   So my friends, my advise to all of you who are now finding yourselves in the “dating world” after years of being sheltered is to turn off the computer, turn to your friends, brush up on your “people skills”, get dressed and head out the door. If not you better put in your order for that tanker truck of Compound-W now, cause you’re going to be kissing a lot of FROGS!….ribbit…ribbit…ribbit!


Pucker up baby…I just KNOW you are my PRINCE!


Posted on May 2, 2010, in HUMOR FOR THE COMMON SOUL and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Wow you really went to extreme lengths in order to do “research” mom… and don’t completely rule out the technological age… Yes dating sites are trashy and full of sleezies, but that doesn’t mean that you cant meet some awesome people on the internet that you might not have ever met before… then who knows what could happen from there.

    • LOL I didn’t say it wasn’t possible just not probable. Its really a moot point anyway since you can’t tell someones character until you meet face to face, right?

      • I think you can tell someones character before you meet face to face, besides… nowadays with skype and all these other webcam places, you can meet face to face without ever really leaving!

  2. It just is a strange world isn’t it? I had to withdraw my profile after 3 days…I could not deal with the men. I am also not ready yet with my heart even though I am lonely. At this age I have no idea what is going to happen.

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