DON’T EAT THAT!


   As someone who enjoys cooking I am always looking for new and tasty things to try, but over the years I have found that there are just some foods that I don’t think we were meant to consume and each meal we eat has at least one.

   There is a “typical” family breakfast that we are all familiar with that include bacon, eggs, juice, coffee and the dreaded pancakes! These griddle cooked pieces of old sponge were never meant to eat. I think they must have been originally used as throwing disc’s by the roman gladiators but with the shortage of food back then someone ate one and said…this is good. YUCK!

   I have never seen the appeal of these things. They are heavy, regardless of how “light and fluffy” the box tells you they will be. They require a quarter pound of butter to give them taste and moisture, then we pile on tons of syrup to make them sweet. The odd part is, is that even after pouring on a half bottle of the sticky stuff by the time you get half way done you need to add more. something should tell you that anything that can and does absorb that amount of liquid is clearly not a food product but a sponge that will become a compound spackle when it dries suitable for fixing the hull of a ship!

   For lunch we indulge in the second food I don’t think was made for human consumption. The “peanut butter and jelly sandwich”. This could quite possibly be a food designed by Satan himself. It is composed of almost liquified peanuts spread on some perfectly good soft white bread then covered with jelly. If you manage to get the peanut on the bread without tearing gaping holes in the bread and sticking it to the counter top you’re doing well. Then you plop on some tasty jelly because the mess you have made isn’t sticky enough apparently and slap on the second piece of bread forming the perfect glue sandwich. Eating this masterpiece is not an easy task either. Just watch any 2-year-old as they struggle to unstick the sandwich from their hand, head, shirt, face, table top and the dog. and you thought spaghetti was bad. This “devil” food adheres itself to anything it comes into contact with including the roof of your mouth. We try in vain to lessen this effect by grabbing a glass of milk but all we end up with then is something that resembles a ball of silly putty that we try to choke down. And trust me, just when you have a mouth full the phone will ring or someone will come to the door and you will find yourself speaking a language unheard of by human man.

   For dinner we again seek fill our bellies with yet another food not made for humans. Sushi! Come on I don’t care what fancy name you give this stuff it basically “bait” wrapped in rice and seaweed! That sounds like a seal’s favorite dinner to me.  So let look at this a bit closer. The bait part is pretty easy. It’s the stuff you normally would use to catch a real fish with. They slice it thin and try to disguise the flavor by dipping it in some nuclear waste. The rice I am sure was the results of a “newly weds” first try as it resembles having been made with elmers glue instead of water. And the seaweed. What is with that? The only place seaweed belongs in my opinion is in the sea. This is the slimy stuff you pull off your legs or out of your bathing suit why would anyone think this would be something good to eat? So now you have the ingredients to make this dinner delight. you lay out a place mat, slap down some seaweed, cover it up with sticky rice and place a bit of bait in the middle. You then roll it up nice and tight, cut it into pieces small enough that you can’t spit it out once its in your mouth because you will gross out everyone at the table and yet big enough that you can’t chew it without looking like a hamster with his pouches full. This leave you with the only option of having to chew, chew, chew. No wonder they serve you Sakai, after that your only thought is to get drunk! And where is the “truth in advertising”? I think they should call it what it is…a “Bait Bar” not a “Sushi Bar” and no I don’t care how many naked women you serve it off of…it’s still BAIT!

   And no even desert has not escaped this nightmare of “not for human consumption” foods. Have you ever tried Flan? Its something akin to jello pretending to be pudding that has been left in the back of the fridge for a month and formed a skin that now requires a knife to cut it. There is this mystery fluid that forms at the bottom and the over all texture is what I would imagine Walrus boogers to be like. If I was a kid and my mom gave me this for desert I would wonder what I had done to make her mad at me.

   So yeah,  the LIFE LESSON HERE and the rule of thumb I use…. if the dog won’t eat it, neither will I! 

Copyright 2010 Theresa Allen

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Posted on April 5, 2010, in LIFE LESSONS and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I’m not a big fan of pancakes either, whole grain with flax seed and carob chips is how I’d eat them if I had to (they do dry up as they cool off) though but peanut butter and jelly is the best. I don’t have it often becuase of its high fat content (pb&j bars are amazing) but I don’t know what you’re talking about with the whole sticky mouth thing. You must be using crazy thick peanut butter or putting WAY too much on. Sushi’s pretty good but I can see why a lot of people wouldn’t like it and the last time I tried flan (about a year or two ago) I remember it being delicious. I’m sorry but I don’t know any dog who wouldn’t eat a pancake, peanut butter sandwich, or flan. The sushi I think could go either way.

  2. Pancakes are not meant to be light and fluffy. In my opinion anyway. And whoever pours syrup on top gets what they deserve! Dipping is the key! Or you can just do the right thing and make jelly roll pancakes instead.

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