I am not one of those tiny little girls. I have hills and valleys, bumps and bends with the occasional hangovers that just don’t seem to fit into anything. If this was DiVinci’s day I would be “rubenesque”, if it was Marilyn Monroe’s day, I would be “voluptuous”, today I am just fat and that’s ok. There are a lot of us women out there who have for years killed themselves to be “magazine thin” only to realize at the end of the day that no matter how much you diet, exercise and beat yourself up, your size 16 ass is never going to fit into a thong. Well it might but it would look more like your ass was eating a ball of yarn than anything remotely sexy.
I bring this up only because after spending years looking for the “sexy underwear” for someone my size I realized that designers have not designed them yet and I wonder why? Even if you go to the specialty stores that advertise for larger women, you will find an assortment of “granny panties” with clever little names. Ok, so they might have a leg cut a bit higher or a cute little bow just below the belly button…like we need something to direct us to its location, or they have wild prints. Sorry when you’re a size 3, zebra stripes across your ass may be exotic, but when you’re a size 16 those same zebra stripes end up looking like real zebra coming at you backwards. There are just some things that you should avoid if you really are trying to entice him.
My favorite is the “shaper” panty. What?? are you kidding me…this peice of cloth is going to tuck, trim and give me Jennifer Lopez’s ass! Give um here…I gotta see this! OK…right…after the 20 minutes of pulling and pushing to get them on I turned around a few times in great anticipation of what I would see. Sigh… yes it tucked and trimmed but all that extra has now given me the muffin top from hell and yeast rolls on the top of my thighs! I look like a bakery! As for Jen’s ass…well let just say its more like two basketballs that have started to deflate. Of course I could try the “body shaper” but I am afraid that I would end up with everything pushed up under my chin and pushed down around my ankles and I just can’t say that either of those options would be attractive. The point here is that the extra has to go somewhere and lord knows with my luck even if I did get into one…I would be walking along and just explode like an over filled balloon seriously injuring anyone with in 3 feet of me and how would I explain that in a court room?…Um, your honor…I didn’t mean to knock that guy through the plate-glass window with my ass, it just sort of happened when the stitching on my underwear gave way.
So for now I guess I will just have to settle for the small print with its wide elastic band and cute little bow. I am thinking that in the right light if I stand just so…I might be able to pull off the whole “sexy” look. If that fails I can alway pull out the colorfull ball of yarn and call it a day!
Copyright 2010 Theresa Allen